Psycho Babble-musings of the inner soul

It’s been a while

mt4u — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 20:59:23 +0000

It has been a few months since I have last posted. SO many things have changed. I don’t have time to write a long post. Hope your holidays will be filled with happiness and cheer. Enjoy yourselves!

More Spiritual musings

mt4u — Tue, 12 Apr 2011 13:47:52 +0000

So the fast is almost over, but have found that there are a lot of things that still need addressing. Good news I have been meditating a lot more. It seems to be what I need to do for myself. Things I have received from my time alone with myself and Spirit. The call to surround myself with music. To set my intentions before the day starts, to have a positive mindset. To surround myself with loving thoughts. That is the key to keep positive thoughts and to not hold onto judgement. Judgement of myself or others. To Love others as myself, but to really Love myself. When it comes to loving yourself you need to realize the power you have. IT’s ok to honor yourself first before others. Not in a selfish manner, but to take into account your feelings. Where you are at in the journey. Sometimes it is better to say no if you are not prepared for the consequences of helping others before yourself. Taking on others burdens can lead to you losing your true self. In turn can lead to resentment or even anger. Even lead to not wanting to give of yourself. So now is a time for me to detox my emotions, my body and my thoughts. To release what I have been holding onto for whatever reason. Releasing can be hard since I have gotten use to holding them and making them apart of who I am. But there is not need to hold onto them anymore. They serve no purpose.

Just so you know I have done this through journalling and ceremony of just releasing it to God/Goddess. It is interesting when the my own spirit feels light and empty. I ask God/Goddess to fill me up with love and light and peace.

I have so much to be thankful for.

mt4u — Thu, 31 Mar 2011 16:42:12 +0000

Well I am on the 12 day of a 21 day fast. Now when you read fast you are thinking that I have decided to not eat anything. In all actuality it is a fast of a more spiritual kind. In my last post I mentioned that I have completed my Reiki master/teacher level. Normally after your attunements you kind of go through a 21 to 30 days of a cleanse. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My first two attunements dealt a lot with my physical being and emotional issues that I held onto. This time it is definitely more on the deeper levels of spirit and soul. I have realized that my communication with others has been better. I have become clearer in what I want. I have also walked through situations that normally I would have compromised or cave in. I have stood on my own and realized that my voice and who I am matter. That it is not ok to just let things go that are important to me for someone else’s comfort or wants. My intuition is clearer and I can sense or tell when things or not as they seem. My desire for truth has override my desired to be liked or not cause confrontations. It is pretty amazing thing to realize that sometimes in the middle of a familiar situation I can call upon God/Goddess and do the things that need to be done. I have been true to myself and taken others into consideration. Decisions are not always easy, but I am thankful that I am listening to myself.

My son’s situation has not changed. He has tried on more than one occasion to suck me back into doing things for him that he can do himself. Last night was no exception. He was trying to get me to help him talk to his step mom. The questions she was texting were not hard and for most 19 year olds his age, but it seemed that he just wanted someone to tell him what he should think. I know he is having a hard time right now, but most of us do when our world has been turned upside down. For most of us we learn to pick ourselves up and move on. Make the best of it. I could not bring myself to do it for him. I finally had to get off the phone. But I realized at the time was that I was angry, angry at the fact that I felt I “should do” something for him. Through a little coaching from a friend I realize that I needed to listen to my heart and what my heart wanted was not what he wanted or even what others would say do. Once I said I wanted to do nothing to help him. A peace came over me and that is when I figured out that in order to have peace I had to listen to heart and not worry about what others wanted from me. I wasn’t a bad mother or person. I have been doing for my son for so long that he is stuck in a pattern that he needs to break. I have already made the decision to not do for him, and to go back on that decision was causing turmoil inside me. I have prayed for my son and given him advise. IN all actuality it is his life he needs to do the work.

How special a gift is to a child when they are able to make the decision for themself. I believe that throughout their life they need us to help them learn how to make decisions. They also need to learn how to live with the consequences of their actions. For my son I was not willing to do that for a long time. I learned that a lot of it was from my feelings of guilt. Now he is going through what he should have gone through a couple of years ago when it came to consequences of his actions or inactions. It is a valuable lesson we all need to make even though it is a hard one for all involved. I believe that my attunement has helped me achieved the understanding I needed to do what is right for my son. My spiritual walk with God/Goddess has been a blessing and a source of strength

WOW it has been an interesting….

mt4u — Thu, 24 Mar 2011 17:01:49 +0000

So I have no idea when the last time I have blog. Anyway I decided that today would be a good day since I am going through more crisis and this seems to help get my thoughts out and clear my head!

I quit the salon and have been happier and busy with the clients that I have picked up. I have been working solely as a traveling massage therapist and it seems to make me happy. My husband has a job and has had one for at least 6 months. My kids are well, but having challenges with the older 2. My son who is 19 years old decided to drink and drive and then steal my car. So that has been a ball of crap to deal with. Yes he is 19 but does not act like it. I am beginning to believe that 19-20 year olds are not the same 20 or 30 years ago. To quote a friend they are not all the way cooked at this age. SO he is having difficulty in coping with his situation and bringing everyone else down with him. Now I have been advised by his natural father, his step mom, my husband, and my therapist. All make good points, they worry about him, but leave it to me to do the right thing.

The decisions that my husband (H) and I have made wat that if he screwed up again he was out. Now I have also talked with his natural father (NF) and he has made comments about taking out son and letting him live with him. To get him out of the circle of influenced and get him focused on a better more positive lifestyle. Now my son is saying that he wants to die, and from what I have been advise by my therapist is that my son is in crisis and that it is not a good idea to let him be on his own. Well let’s understand something my H does not want him in the house when he gets back off travel. So now I am in a rock and a hard place. H does not want him in the house and if he is then I will be a divorced lady. Therapist had suggested that NF take him. WEll there is an issue with that. NF’s wife does not want son there. Not sure why. I understand the argument that he is 19 and NF and wife do not need to take him. He is considered and adult in the eyes of the law. Got it, but when you say that you believe that you would be able to help him then why the hesitation of allowing your son to come and live with you. Why does it seem like a great idea until it gets hard. Hmmmm…NF and son a lot alike. When things get hard or do not go your way then it is time to pull the plug. Hmm what a quandary.

I have wonderful friends that have been very supportive and good sounding boards on what I have going on in my head. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Do one thing and someone will not be happy. Most of all I feel like I will not have the peace I need. I will be the one that suffers the most. Mothers always do right. Well maybe not…it is just that making decisions about what to do with our kids seem to affect us the most.

Now the cool things that have been happening. I received my Reiki Master/teacher attuntments. It has helped me through this situation with my son. I have been able to help others with their aches and pains. I have been able to reconnect to my spiritual walk and I feel pretty damn good about that. I do have a clearer view of what I should be doing professionally. Which is way cool and I am liking it.

Is it non existant or just simple

mt4u — Tue, 23 Nov 2010 16:09:28 +0000

Good morning all!

So lately I have been thinking that my spiritual walk…journey has been a non existant. I have stopped doing those things that help me be me. So I have decided to go back and make a space for myself again. I have been working and taking care of everyone else I have forgotten what I should be doing to keep me sane. I think this coincides with Fall and soon to be Winter seasons. I have taken spiritual classes and read spiritual books as well as blogs and have taken countless steps in making my walk a daily flow. lately though I have felt as though meditation and prayer have become routine. I don’t want to do any of it. Nothing I read lately has inspired me to get back to that time I spend a lone contemplating my life and choices. As well as listen to what God, the Universe has to say to me. It is frustrating to say the least. Maybe I am chasing something that I no longer need. You know the feeling of being one with Spirit. Feeling connected. Maybe I am already connected and just being present will take care of my frustration.

Well my fellow travelers I will attempt to take more time for myself to see if that will ease the stuckness I feel on my journey at this time. I will continue to have faith that I am where I should be.

Drama never seems to miss me!

mt4u — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 02:00:13 +0000

So the past few days have been interesting. hubby went out-of-town and so that leaves me with 5 kids to take care of. Well it is not all that hard since they are all self efficient. What does seem to be a pain is the fact that my oldest daughter has made some pretty poor choices. This has been going on for a while and her behavior has just been escalating in leaps and bounds. From drinking to drugs to sex. Something every parent does not want to deal with. But if you do you want to be able to say you can handle it. I think I have not been able to handle it as well as I would hoped. Having your daughter be honest and open with you about what has been happening in her life is a great thing, but something that you should tread very lightly. It’s one thing to have a relationship that allows openness about feelings and desires. And another one that hears the desires, feelings and choices of your teen, and then realize that you should step in but what do you say? What can you say to someone who will look at you and call you out. I do care about my daughter and I care that maybe my choices in how I raised her were not all that great. I can say that she is smart, caring toward her family, and that she does know the right from wrong. She has chosen to take the path of bad choices. I can only wonder what makes her feel that her choices are good ones. I have grounded her, bribed, punished her by taking her phone, charged her fees for her bad behavior. I have given her a drug test that proved she is on more than just recreational drugs. To get someone to talk with her is like swimming in a rip tide. I have gone to the local counseling center to see if I can get her in a rehab, but they do not take girls her age. I have to go 2-3 hours from here to have that done. So another day off of work to go and do that. A friend who has over 20 years sobriety has offered to take her in, but she is in VA and I am not sure if I want to her to go there. Taking her out of the family would seem like we don’t want her. I am struggling with this decision. I shouldn’t be but I am. A good parent would take her straight away to the rehab. And I tried to do that, but it is a lot harder to do than I thought. What makes this worse is that I am alone in this decision. Well in a sense. Hubby is all supportive of getting her into rehab or at least help in some way. But the foot work is all mine to do. I feel like I am reliving my husbands alcoholism. If he was here he would be helping I know that, but it is still on my shoulders to get her the help she needs. I am not implying that I have no support. I do.

The help I can get her will only be as good as her willingness to actually be sober. TO actually do the work and make positive changes in her life. This is just more than I want to handle right now. Oh well what can you do? So as the title of this post suggest my life is never boring or without drama.

Good News and some other interesting thoughts

mt4u — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 19:19:31 +0000

Good News is Hubby finally got a job! Yay!

We have been so relieved that he finally got a job. It is one that he is fit for and likes. I on the other hand have shorten my hours at the salon and have more time off to myself. I am still working my fulltime job and actually enjoying it. I have been able to take on more responsibility and feel as though I am making a contribution worth something to my supervisors. So now that we are back to a two income family it is time to start paying off the mounting debt that was put off until more money could be thrown at it. Big Breath! and Sigh!

So now the kids are getting ready to go back to school so thank God hubby is working. Kids need new clothes and shoes. my older two have gotten jobs so I no longer have to worry about paying for clothes or other things. My main focus this year will be the younger three. Getting them ready for school with supplies and the proper attire. My youngest turns 10 this week and my oldest turns 19 next week. they both want a party. News to the 19-year-old Fat chance! lol I will definitely do something for the younger one just don’t know what. Something not to expensive…hubby still won’t have a paycheck until September.

So I started a blog that is more on the political side of things but I have only written one post on it so far. There are a lot of things that piss me off when it comes to what is going on in the World. Mainly the US. but I am not sure of where to start.

So that is the update so far!

Who am I

mt4u — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 19:52:47 +0000

So in the last few months I have been on a self-help journey. Soul searching and doing all the things I feel help me get to know who I am. Well I still don’t know…lol! How lame is that? I figured that by now I should have a good idea of what makes me, well me. I am reading another book on food addiction and what my food says about me. Well as I am reading and I come across a question, which I have before in my journey of self-love and acceptance. But I have always blown off this question thinking I know who I am. Well this time I actually stopped and thought about it. Well there is no magical answer or anything like that. I still have no idea. So I guess I need to sit down and take a serious look at who I am. Who I feel I am. No other person’s input. I can tell you that I am a woman, mother, wife, friend, daughter and sister. I am a massage therapist. I am a technically profession person. I have mostly conservative views. I tend to believe in the best of people and give them the shadow of a doubt. (which gets me in trouble) I am afraid of others not liking me.(stupid I know) I am a healer in many ways. I like the alternative health care ideas and views. I do not like being labeled by others, but I do it to myself…lol! I believe in a God or something supernatural that I call God. I have a more spiritual sense of who God is. More along the nonreligious road, less of the new age path. I like to think somewhere in between.

This is just the start of what I believe me to be. Each label or idea can be dissected more if I choose. I like to think that there is not just one label or character trait that defines me. I believe most people would say the same. That we are more complex in our identities then we like to portray. So for those of you who are still looking for who you truly are Godspeed. Enjoy your journey!

Political Rant!

mt4u — Fri, 18 Jun 2010 16:23:54 +0000

Lately I have been getting quite tired of all the news outlets and the government. Seriously can anyone tell me what this Country was founded on? If you can good for you, if you can’t then find an old history book and learn. Better yet get a copy of the Constitution and read it thoroughly. Start searching the federalist papers and read what some of our founding Fathers had to say in relation to the Federal government. Since March 22, 2010 when the Healthcare bill was signed into law I have been becoming increasingly angry at what the elected officials have been doing in D.C. Back in 2009 when they passed the stimulus bill I was mildly annoyed. But the more I look at what this Administration is doing, (or a lack of doing in some cases) I become uncontrollably angry and want to lash out at the nearest elected political idiot I find. Man with Bush in the office I had moments of annoyance and questioned what he was doing, but never was I moved to seething violence toward another person. To see how the government has treated the oil spill, AZ law on immigration, healthcare, wall street, and other political crap that is going on just makes me want to go crazy and start shooting the bone heads in office…no matter what party they are affiliated with. I cannot believe how ignorant Mr. O and Reid and Pelosi, let’s not forget Steny Hoyer can be, better yet how they expect us the American people to just sit idly by and let them tax us to death. OMG! have you heard that now the Obama Administration is now calling the health care insurance mandates are actually new taxes to the middle-class. Seriously I can no longer sit idly by and let the current congress and president turn this country into some weak, confused and lifeless democracy. As Mark Levin states in his book “Liberty and Tyranny” This administration is a soft tyranny. They push their ideas and agenda down the throat of America with little restraint from the American public. Even the media news outlets have been spouting the crap that is coming out of the congress and white house. Of course if you listen to Fox news and more conservative talk radio or blogs you would hear more on the opposition side of things. But I can no longer do nothing! So I have decided to become an Activist with Americans for Prosperity. To learn more about them go here. They are a nonprofit organization that teach citizens how to become activist. It is made up of people with affiliation to both parties. It is a grassroots organization. We focus on the fiscal responsibilities of local, State, and Federal governments.

I am constantly searching sites and blogs as well as news outlets for information and articles for what is going on around us. I have stopped reading the self-help books and started reading ones that are more political or just plan interesting. Mark Styne, Mark Levin, Tom Sowell, and a lot more others. Of course this would not be possible if it was not for my husband. Since this is more of his area than mine. I have learned a lot and have realized that in order to make a change for this country is to do those things that help get the word out one person at a time.

If you are fed up with what has been happening in this country then I suggest that you become apart of Americans for Prosperity or any other grassroots organization. If you are affiliated with a party go and help on a candidate’s campaign. Write letters to the editor or whatever you can do to help support getting this country back on track. Lower Taxes, Less Government involvement and open markets.

What to do?

mt4u — Wed, 12 May 2010 12:35:33 +0000

So last time I blog I talked about how my husband roped me into doing something I was not prepared to do. As it turns out I didn’t have to. So yay me, even though I did learn a lot from my research. There are times in my reading and research that still rile my cage and get me hotter than heck, but I realize that I am not powerless. I can change those issues that are in my capable hands. Knowledge is power as they say. So since I have been so overloaded with information. I decided to take a break from all the political and other hot topics out there and focus on some good old fashion entertainment. Such as; novels, love stories, who done its, and blogs of others that have nothing to do with todays issues. I found a wonderful website about cooking and other neat things. It’s called the pioneer woman she talks about cooking, photography, and many other things. The latest book that I have read is Stuart Woods “Hothouse Orchid” it was on sale at Target and so it was a great book to read and keep me occupied for a couple of days. the only problem with reading fictional stories is the fact that I can finish a book within a day. I am still taking my meditation class. There have been many moments that I have be able to practice what I learned in meditation on a daily basis outside my quiet moments.

The massage business is going well I am busy so that is good. I like the salon all the ladies there are great. It is under new management and you can tell the difference between the new and old owners. Don’t get me wrong the old owners are great people, but managing a salon was not their strong point.

Good news hubby had a two-hour interview. It sounded as though things went great and just waiting on an offer letter. Thank God for that.

Speaking of the salon….I have been thinking about going back to school to become an Aesthetian. I really like the skin care part of it. Not sure I can do the waxing part. So that is another thing I can put in a section of my brain and come back to it. I still have been thinking about certifying as a Natural Health Practitioner. There are days I go back and forth on the many things I find interesting, but I still have not made a commitment to any of it. I am being so indecisive.

Meditation is going well….when I do it. I found the place of nothingness for a brief moment. Pretty cool to be there and not have any thought. There are times when I know who I am and what my life’s purpose is and then there are times when I feel as though I am just wondering. I have realized I am still in that place of not finishing anything. Not completing a project or anything that I have started. It seems hopeless at times and at others it seems that I can finish.