Decisions have to made

So since things usually go worse before they get better. I received an email from our security manager asking for documentation on the short sale of the house and to get other documents ready to be submitted in two weeks. Great not only do I not have the updated information they are asking. I have made some inquiries as to what creditors I owe and where I am in the behind list.  Which is to say I have a lot of people I owe money too. So if I cannot make dents into the said debt by the end of the month I am pretty sure I will not longer be working for the government. In turn will not longer be married and have a place to stay.  My kids and I will be out on the streets and I have not one to blame but myself. Yes I could blame my husband since he lost his job, but really does that make things better. No not really. Yes he might have instigated the ball rolling, but in all actuality I could have made sure the 8 months we were making bank the bills could have been paid off and I would not be in the position I am in. So how screwed am I? Lord only knows….I have not clue if my husband even has an idea how F’ed we are. I am sure he doesn’t since I tell him nothing…well according to him I tell him squat. But in my defense why say something to someone who is in a mental downward spiral and would not have the ability to help himself out of it, let alone help me.  So I am in somewhat of a panic, but I know that I have a lot of work to do to make this work and to make things better in the long run. I just wished I had the balls to ask if my husband if he could help me.

Drama Drama Drama

Why am I still at work? I have been sitting here the last few hours trying to reason why I came in today. I am not accomplishing anything. i could use this time to call the insurance company to file a claim on the house, but I have no information that I need to do that. It is with my husband. I am sure he is not going to go over to the insurance company to file a claim.  It would be nice if he did that would be one less thing for me to worry about. After I got home I did not talk with my husband about what we will do. I think I was a little despondent and tired. I know he’s not doing well either since he did say he was not doing well. I am sure he is dealing with rage and other strong emotions over what had happen to the old house.  I know there are things I need to do, but I am having a hard time motivating myself to take the steps necessary.  I have been sitting at my desk not really wanting to do anything. I have attempted to organize my bills, but even that is to much effort.

I am really close to the rabbit hole of depression….I can see down it! But I have to motivate myself to just keep on going…you are not a victim but a confident survivor…..Really Drama Queen stuff here….man am I stupid! 

 

Kick us when we’re down….

Yesterday coming home from work I receive a call from my realtor, and was notified that my home (the one we are trying to sell) has been broken into and vandalized. Talk about a low blow. Really now I am not going to sit here and cry Why? because I know that it is useless at this point to do that. So it falls into the category of what to do about it. I called the police and waited 4 hours for them to show up. Once they did and all the paperwork was done it was after nine. In the meantime I did hang out with my neighbors and had a class or two of wine. IT was a really nice Pinot Grigio…yummy!…but the buzz wore off as soon as the cops showed up. Which is ok since I really should be sober when communicating with a law in forcing individual.  I am sure walking into the house and seeing all the damage did not help either. Well once that lovely task was done I went home and proceeded to go to bed.  I did call hubby and so he was there to help with talking to the police and moral support.  Angry was not even the word that I felt toward the person or persons that did this. Hate and loathing can be used, as well as, extreme sadness and of course the why is me thing…..oh whoooa!!!!!! Seriously though I am trying not to play the victim here. I have done enough of that in the last 5 months so I am not going there.

Well today will be making calls to the appropriate individuals and try to fix the damage.

 

But you gotta admit the feeling of wow kick me when I am down does come to mind….LOL!

Walking the Path

So update on what is going on with me and my hubby. So funds are getting tight and in an attempt in trying to help with the many bills we have I have applied for a second job. I will be working at a local restaurant starting this weekend. It will only be weekend hours so nothing too grandiose. Just something that will allow for us to have some side money after the bills are paid. I cannot help but feel a little guilty since my hubby still have not gotten any hits as far as jobs go. He has been diligently looking and applying. He has been trying to keep busy as well with helping out at the theater. I know this is hard for him. I can see it in his eyes and his mannerisms that the thought of him not having a job is killing him. I try to tell him to stay positive and things will start looking up. It’s hard to keep the cheerleading going when they do not see the light. I guess that is why I am here. To keep the eyes on the light and not get dragged down in the self-pity or negative mental masturbation that he does. I am doing well with my positive thoughts and talk to myself. I have to be the mature and strong one for me, the kids, and the hubby. I try to tell him daily that he is doing well and that I love him and no matter what I am here. It’s easy to see what I think he needs to do, but it is hard to say those things without sounding superior or self-righteous. Compassion has been my theme of late. Compassion for him and for me.  I have been trying hard to do the things my therapist has told me.  Some days are better than others, but there is always the shining silver line in my clouds. No matter what is going on I am grateful and thankful.

Hubby keeps saying that he should go back overseas and that we (meaning the kids and I) would be better off. As much as the money would help right now. It would add more stress on me. The times he is away is hard especially when I have to be both parents. I tend to get more scattered brain and things seem to slip from my grasp. I might be good at multi-tasking, but I suck when I do not have the support from him that I need. Just having him there at home knowing that the kids have someone else they can go to for parenting is a comfort. Even though I still do a lot at the house it is good to know that he is there if I need him to do anything. I can always just ask or call him.  I didn’t have that when he was gone. I did not have the back up to disciplining the kids. I cannot say that it was better when he was gone, but I can say that things went my way. I was the only one I answered too. Which is something that maybe should not have been. Maybe we should have been tag teaming the responsibilities way long before he left. Then things could have been accomplished. At this time we are learning how to make things work, and how to work together. I do not always do what is right, but know that I need to make more of an effort. I have not been very supportive in sharing information with him. I have no idea why I haven’t. Hmm something I guess I need to observe.

Well at this time things are in limbo with him.  No job and nothing remotely on the horizon. He has been talking with friends and seeing his therapist. So unless the Great Almighty tells me or him specifically what we are to do. I guess we will continue to walk the path that is before us.

Karma

So I have spent the last week and half trying to come up with ways to work our my budget that will allow for me to pay my expenses. As I look at my income I notice that in all actuality I should be able to make my payments on my rent and utilities as well as pay for gas and food during the month. Well so far this has not happened. It is slightly aggravating to say the least.  Maybe the budget I keep coming up with is missing some items that seem to be getting money spent on it. I have to admit I did eat out a couple of times this past week. So I think that is where some of the extra cash I thought I had went. Ok so with that in mind that tells me that I or my family can even think about eating out right now. No matter how much we might need the evening out. One night I actually talked my hubby into going out… so I totally blame myself for being short on the money this payday. At the same time I assumed (nasty little word) that the unemployment benefit would have kicked in by now. Well it hasn’t and the lovely state wants to interview him which comes after my payday and after a few important bills need to get paid. So here I am kicking myself and wondering if what I see on paper can actually happen if hubby does not get a job or unemployment soon. I have read budget books and financial articles to get tips and ideas. The one thing that I do know and have realized is that none of the tips and planning can be affective if I do not control myself. If I do not stay disciplined enough throughout the month all the best laid plans will not work. I will continue to be in the same boat at the end of next month. Coming up a lowly $40 short on my expenses.

So I have applied to part-time work. I have even looked into filing bankruptcy.  I have even tried to be more grateful and thankful for all the things I do have. To be more patient with my family, especially my spouse as he struggles to find employment. He has applied to so many places. The good news is he has an interview for a part-time job at the local coffee shop. I have thought in terms of trying to be more helpful then resentful. I have also started meditating on an occasional bases. Really though I am not being disciplined in that either…lol! 

If I had the opportunity to sit down with the Big Guy I would ask him exactly what am I not learning from this experience. Really we have been in this situation 2x before this. Is it really my lesson? Or is it something else? Am I not being disciplined enough in all areas of my life? As I have mentioned before what am I not finishing? I know that we are meant to live our lives and our journeys the best way we know how and to do the right thing. I know that whatever I do or don’t do will affect others around me. So is this something that someone else has done or not done that is spilling out into my path? And if it is what do I do about it? 

Questions that will need answers and I think I might have already gotten some it is just trying to get to the action without paralyzing myself.

The Death of a dream

So this weekend I have come to understand and accept that right now is not a good time to start my massage business. Well at least on my own. Maybe get involved with another practice. But the way things are right now it might just be best to wait until the Universe/God allows it to happen. Lately nothing has been coming my way as far as clients and steady cash flow. I have wonderful friends and have had some prospective clients here and there, but nothing to pay the rent of the office space. So with much crying and depressed acceptance I gave my notice to the landlord.  It seems that I have the space up until the 16th of Nov.  I did mention to the landlord that if anything changes I would keep the place. But I would have to have at least 10 clients before the 16th and then have at least 20 scheduled after that.  My therapist has been very helpful in this. She says that it is just not the time now and when I am able to nurture it and care for it like I should then it will be  the time to step out and do it. I hate to say she is right, but she is. I have no time to think in regards to my business. But I do feel like a total failure and like I cannot finish anything that I have started.  This has become like the many other businesses I have tried, Arbonne, Mary kay, Beauty Control and Amway.  So what is the almighty Universe/God trying to tell me? Something about needing to figure out why I cannot finish anything I start. Oh hell I still have a math class to complete to get my Associates. Crap! Really, what the hell? What am I not doing that will complete this cycle of bad Karma or luck or whatever you want to call it.  My finances are in shambles, my marriage is hanging on by a thread, what do I need to do to get this cycle complete. I know there is something there that I need to address. I can think of many things that it could be, but I have addressed these areas of my life. Maybe I just need to re-evaluate what I did.  therapy seems to help, but I am not even sure I am making progress.

The one good thing about my situation is that I am being really good about my spending. but having no money will do that.

So I guess I need to start looking at what I need to do. Look at my thinking and other aspects of my life that I can change. Once I have done this then maybe the dream can be cultivated again.

I have a burning desire?

So this morning I was sitting around talking with the ladies at work, and hear the story of war vets being mistreated down at Paris island. (I think) Hearing about these men and women that are being made to do things that under normal circumstances they would not be doing. Lifting heavy furniture and other physical labor that the injuries they have suffered on our behalf should not be performing. My understanding is that those who can do  something about it have been informed of the cruelty our fallen soldiers are facing at the hands of their superiors. WTF? Are we that heartless to inflict more pain on these individuals? Why have we not heard about this in the news or anywhere else. Well other than the righteous indignation that I feel it stirred other thoughts and desires. It has been a long desire of mine to do for those who need the love and warmth of  touch a massage therapist can offer. I have been certified in hospital and oncology massage. I am also a 2nd degree Reiki practitioner. Healing is something that energizes my soul. It is my life’s purpose, well at least that is what I believe. So the desire that rose inside of me was that of helping our men and women that have been touched by war in some form. Physically or mentally. To offer a form of touch that they may have missed or not have had. To be a servant to their healing. To bring a peace to their situation. So now with this burning my mind has started to race for ideas to bring this desire to fruition. It seems very simple so far I have friends and colleagues that are working with this client base already.  I plan on contacting these healers and asking them how they started and  what exactly I need to do and have to start this service in my area. I know a lot of this work will be volunteer on my part. Since most will not be able to pay for the service. Which is fine with me. my healing work has never been about the money or praise. It’s is enough to know that I have helped someone in a time of need.  (don’t get me wrong..payment for services is much appreciated)

Now it is the time to put actions to my words and desires. Time to start the foot work of knocking on doors of institutions that service these men and women. To call on those I know that also have this desire. To learn what I need to learn from these wonderful healers.

No rest for the wicked!!

So meant to post this on Monday!!!! Oh well maybe my last two post will make sense now.

Harvey is over!!! Yay, well it seems that now my nights and evenings are gonna be free.  I am so happy and yet a little sad. Well not really all that sad. It was a lot of work and a lot of fun, but it was so much time out of my schedule that it interfered with my massage practice time and business. I am glad I got the chance to be in the play and work with my husband on stage. At times I wanted to drop the play, but all in all it was worth it. The kids will be happy now that mom is home most nights. I still have football practice to take my daughter to, but it will only be 2 nights a week instead of the 3 nights that we started off with. Speaking of football my daughter’s team is 4:1. She is playing very well.

 So yesterday was a good day until my hubby woke up. Since we are very short on cash these days he has gone to quick smoking. Hmm let’s see how long that last shall we? Well he woke up a little agitated and of course somewhat barked at me when he saw me about something he was looking for. Well by the time I found what he asked me about he found what he needed. The patches! So needless to say I went to bitch in 0-2 seconds. I was so irritated at him that I ended up leaving for the theater earlier then I needed to. It is hard for me sometimes to just get over things quickly and just forgive. I get the irritation on his part, but that really gives him no right to just be an A-hole. So I eventually do get better, but reality kept poking its head at me throughout the day.

 What I mean by reality is that every quiet moment I had was bombarded by the fact that I have no money till next payday. I am behind in some of my bills and since last Friday was my son’s birthday we have no money to celebrate or even give him a present till next payday. Now I have brought this up to hubby, and he has decided to sell another item of his. Well I know I should be comforted by this, but I am also a little guilty that he has to sell a possession that he likes if not loved at one time. Oh well I guess I should just look at it as something that he must do in order to support his family. Since he has lost his job it is becoming harder to make ends meet. Of course there are many people these days that have lost their jobs and are in a similar situation we are in. Ever wonder how these people are making it? How they are surviving? I am and I can guess how they are surviving. Part time jobs and other ways of making money…like selling items of value, services and whatever else they can do to put food on the table and keep a roof over their heads. My husband made a comment the other day that he did not like being this poor/broke and wondered if this was the first time we were in this position. Well I said no it was not…it was just the first time that we have been disciplined in making our rent and not using it to get food and such. Since we are not in our own house now our rent must be paid! I still have some food in my cupboards but not a lot. Hopefully my husband’s instrument will sell quickly on eBay or the ad that he has put in. Going to sleep last night was horrible I could not get my head to stop thinking and mentally masturbating about my lack of money.  But I have to stay positive and hopeful that things will get better. I will admit hubby is looking for work and putting out resumes. A close friend of his has offered to help him out in trying to get a job with those companies he works with. Well I will keep my fingers crossed.

 On a different note I have an appointment with a realtor about short selling our old house. We will see how it all works out. I will keep you posted on how that goes.

Self Worth and Breathing

So since the stress of not having money and being down to one income has reign terror on my sense of stability, peace and calm.  I have tried to stay present in those stress filled moments of worry. In moments of right out fear of failure or whatever you would like to call it.  So in order to stay present and not go running out of myself and detaching. Being able to be aware enough to realize the proper actions and decisions that need to be made. I have read through daily devotions and am doing the things my therapist has suggested. There are times that I am successful and there are times that I am not. But I keep trying. So the month of October in my devotional book is about Self Worth. So far the days have been about being comfortable with who you are, or recreating the story you tell yourself about yourself and situations. Today’s is about making time for you. Taking care of yourself. Oh Boy something I totally have a hard time doing. We as mothers, wives and friends tend to put others first. Which is something we tend to think is something of the norm. In all actuality it is something very important to keeping us present and level headed. To be able to say to our families and friends that I am worthy of spending time relaxing and rejuvenating my spirit. I know I tend to feel better and able to take care of the needs of my family better. But we have heard this many times, haven’t we? There are many books and seminars on the subject. So why is it that when stress and life get going I tend to forget these important life survival skills. I think it is the whole being present in my body thing. When times get tough I do get going…well emotionally anyways. I seem to be level headed but it is all an act really.  So while I was contemplating today’s devotional on taking the time for myself. I came across my Reiki Master’s blog about breathing. Breathing during times of hardship and stress. Being able to breathe deeply and rely on God, the Universe and family and friends. Hmmmm…so something else to learn to do to help with the stressors of life. Which I can say does work. The breath is something that we can control. It is something that we can consciously manipulate to relax our bodies. TO release tension that is stored in our muscles. As a massage therapist I have witnessed the effects of asking a client to breathe deeply. The body softens a little and is more pliable. The person on the table starts to relax a little more. The mind starts to quiet.  If you ever have practice yoga you have noticed that the breath can help in holding a pose or even getting you deeper in the pose. Tae Chi and Qi Gong are also practices that rely on breath to help center your body and quiet the mind. 

So if breathing and taking time for myself are important skills to help relieve stress in my life. Why is it so hard to remember these skills? Could it be I am so caught up with the drama and chaos that it is somewhat comforting. Am I one of those people who like to be in the middle of chaos. That use the chaos in my life for attention? Hmm is this the story I have told myself.  Have I believed the lie that in order to be someone I must have chaos surrounding me. I must be the martyr or I must be the victim. Have I not learned the important lessons of calm and peace come from staying present and aware. Have I lost the lessons I learned from massage and reiki  and meditation?  No I have not lost them. I have simply forgotten the truths they hold. I have simply gone off on a rabbit trail and have taken too long to get back on the path. I must remember that my journey is my journey and that I cannot let another’s journey take me away from mine. I am here to support and love, but I cannot forget my peace, my calm, or my path.

A Smell of hope!

Ok so smell might not be the best way of putting it, but when I got home last night my husband had some pretty hopeful news. He has found a job he will be applying for. Well in all actuality it is a job he has had before with the same boss. So he asked if I was ok with him applying for it since it does require travel. Now the travel time never bothered me, it was inconvient at times, but it didn’t bother me that he had a job that sent him to some interesting places…like Hawaii.

So I said “Great are you sure you want to work  for so in so again?”

He said “Yeah, At least I know the devil. You know the devil you know vs the devil you don’t.”

Then I said “Well all I care about is that it is a job.”

So he has applied to the job. Now hopefully he will get accepted for it and be working very soon. He seems very hopeful as well and that is always a good thing. Granted the boss is not one of his favorite people, but maybe there has been some change in the last year and a half. Either way it I am looking forward to having him bring in the bacon again. He even said he was ready to work again…Hmmm really I should hope so! Don’t worry I did say that to him as well and he took it in stride.

The interesting detail about this is that I have distinquished a pattern. The last 2 times he has had a “break” from a job had been about a 3 month break before he was ready to go back to work. This past time has not shown anything different. The only thing that did change was on my part of the equation. I did not spend the rent money on other utilities or things that I thought might of been more important. Like I said in yesterday’s post I/we stayed more discipline in the discomfort of being without money. There is some growth there it might not be expotential but all the same growth. What will be nice is that he will not be changing companies if he does get this job. No new paperwork to change when it comes to 401k and eye/dental insurance. Well I am keepin positive that he will acquire this job and that by November we will be back to a two income household. I can breathe easier again. Now granted it won’t be easy since we will have to play catch up to bills for about 6 months to a year, but I will be grateful and thankful that we will have the money to do that. The interesting part will be to see how discipline we will be. I pray that I can be more discipline then I have been in the last 39 years of my life.

Well with this bit of news I will leave it at that.